Butterfly
by Iarly
Summary: He can't stay... she can't follow him... so it's time to say goodbye. I hate to give away pairing, but this is KxL... or the exact opposite. One shot, unless my muse strikes again!


Ok, so I wrote something angsty… didn't know I could do that. Anyway, this is just a break from my Rayearth streak. So, to the people who are reading my other story, please don't kill me. I'm going to finish it and that's a promise. I was just watching Gundam Seed to get out of my writer's block and I came up with this instead. I haven't watched Gundam Seed Destiny yet (and don't plan to cause Shin Asuka annoys me to no end) so this is supposed to happen right after the Seed OVA. (you know, that tiny thing with little to none closure since they were already planning Destiny) Like I said, it's kinda angsty, so you're all warned, and I'm not even sure if I'm going to make a continuation or not. Just another idea out of my mind.

Disclaimer (duh): I (obviously) do not own these charas. Also, I don't own the song Butterfly. This one goes back to when I still liked Mariah Carey…

Read and enjoy!

**Butterfly**

As I move the curtains aside, I'm rewarded with an entire symphony of sunlight entering my bedroom. I open the window and the breeze follows suit, bringing along the salty scent of the nearby beach and the faraway cries of the seagulls. I think I overslept I bit, but then again, I really needed to catch on the latest news with my pillow. And today, I don't feel like scolding myself for such a little, harmless sin.

My, isn't this a lovely morning?

Yes. The best I've had in some time. Even my heart is trying to sing out a melody I had long forgotten. But who wouldn't be cheerful looking at such beautiful scenery? I take a deep breath and then head up for my usual shower, a true smile tugging at my lips. Today, I feel like it's right to have hope.

The war is over. As a matter of fact, it's been almost a month since Naturals and Coordinators finally understood how senseless it was for them to kill each other. That's reason enough to be happy, isn't it? Each night, I thank whichever higher forces that might have helped us finish the madness that threw parents and children, brothers, sisters and best friends into a whirlwind of blood and tears. Also, I ask for help for those who survived after seeing their loved ones die.

For this entire month we've been staying here, at Reverend Malchio's island, along with him and his orphans. Truth be told, I couldn't think of a better place. In the beginning, Athrun and Cagalli were also here, but they left after a week or so, when the issues concerning the reconstruction of Orb could no longer be postponed. Cagalli has now a country to rule, and Athrun couldn't do anything but to go with her. She's going to need all the help she can get.

So now it's just Kira and I. For a reason I can not fathom, he chose to stay instead of going with his twin sister and helping her rebuild her country that was also his, in a way. However, I do know why she didn't insist. I too understand he has his own issues to deal with; deep scars left in his soul by the war. But still… sometimes I just wish I knew what's on his mind. It's true, I could have gone back to PLANTs myself, but at least I have an alibi to be here. It's not safe there, or so I've been told by Dearka and Yzak, since there are still members of the Zala Faction (honest, to think some people are yet to accept peace makes me shiver) causing small disturbances. I guess I'd be a very desirable target if I return, so almost everyone has advised me to refrain from going back for now. Not that I really want to, by the way. But I have my own, more personal reason.

My own personal reason goes by the name of Kira Yamato. As no one could possibly convince Athrun to leave Cagalli right now, I don't think I could bring myself to abandon Kira. And in this, too, I have an alibi of sorts. He _needs_ me. Granted, not as much as I need him, but he does. From my bedroom, next to his, I can hear him scream in anguish every night, tormented by the blood that stains his hands and the memories of people he failed to protect. And every single night I sneak into his room, I slid into his bed and I just hold him, wishing for all his nightmares to go away. Most of times, he doesn't even wake up, lost as he is in his own inner darkness. He just... relaxes into my embrace and goes back to a peaceful, dreamless sleep. Whenever my presence does awake him, he silently thanks me with his gentle eyes, which is more than enough for me, and holds me back as if begging me to stay. I always do (as if I could really resist his eyes) at least till I make sure he's alright. And then I go back to my room, to pray with all my heart for his peace of mind.

I have to admit it though; my prayers are not completely selfless. Of course, I'd give anything to see Kira smile, his soul free from every burden. But also, the day he finally breaks away once and for all from his nightmares, his heart will heal and eventually open up to love again. And that, I confess, is the only ambition I've ever had. Kira Yamato's love. More than fame, more than richness… more than anything.

Once upon a time, he was in love with someone. A girl named Flay. Even if I hadn't known her myself, I'd still be able to tell she was the one by the way Kira calls her in his tortured dreams. She's dead, but she comes back every night to make sure he doesn't forget her. A useless, senseless death, which he keeps dragging on and on painfully. Whenever I hear him screams her name, I'm torn between my good nature and my jealousy. Sometimes, I wish she was alive, if this would only make Kira happy, just a little bit happier at least. On other occasions… I don't find myself to be strong enough to witness their love and I'm just glad she's dead. I hate it when I have this kind of ideas and I have to repeat over and over again in my mind that only his happiness matters. Even if it could mean seen them together. I've heard people say this girl didn't really care for him, including Cagalli. However, I find it hard to believe them. This is Kira Yamato we're talking about after all. How could someone possibly share his life on such a level without growing to love him?

_When you love someone so deeply _

_They become your life _

_It's easy to succumb _

_to overwhelming fears inside _

The bathroom mirror reflects a messy and wet image of me as I get out of the shower. It's going to take me a while to dry my hair properly, but I'm used to it and this morning I think I'm going to take special care of it. I also feel more refreshed and my reflection does look a lot less tired than in the previous days. I didn't wake up last night, so I got to sleep all through the night. Which means Kira got away from his nightmares and for once didn't need my help. And this makes me, oh so happy. Because it can only mean he's recovering. Or at least, that's what I hope. All in all and definitely good news.

I only leave my room when I'm content with my appearance. Not that I really care that much, but old habits die hard and it's not easy to be careless when you have a past as a pop star. You think about your looks almost unconsciously. Then I make my way down the aisle toward the stairs. Kira's room is on the way, so I take a peek inside only to discover his bed is already made and he himself is nowhere to be found. Now that's odd. He rarely wakes up early, since his sleep is so tormented… Oh well, I'm sure there most be a reason. Or maybe this is just the result of getting a full night of good sleep.

I'm hopeless, ain't I? Always worrying about him, pending on his words, on his every gesture. Maybe I shouldn't act this way. Or more like I shouldn't have made Kira the center of my world. 'Cause that's what he is and I realize I'm the dependant one, even though he's seemingly the most needed. He's my life, so every bit of energy my body produces I focus on him, on his wellbeing. It's as if he had made me what I am and I couldn't be the same person without him. I had never been in love before I met him, so I can only wonder if my feelings are going the right way or not…

Once in the hall, the smell of freshly baked pancakes immediately teases both my nose and my stomach. I guess Cagalli kept her promise of making breakfast so that I didn't have to get up so early. I can't help but smile while heading for the kitchen. Both Athrun and Cagalli have been here since Friday as they use to whenever they can pull out a free weekend. They haven't told me so, but I suspect they're both worried about Kira and they drop by mainly to check on him. Talk about sisterly love… not to mention best friend love.

For a moment I just lean on the doorframe and watch the couple. Cagalli is getting the last pancakes out of the oven while Athrun pours some syrup on them. I don't think he needs to be so close to her for that, but I bet he's just found a new way to tease her. And it's working. Cagalli looks rather flustered, even though I'm not quite sure if it's due to the kitchen heat, to Athrun's intentional nearness or to whatever he's whispering on her ear. I clear my throat to make my presence known after successfully suppressing a giggle.

"Good morning, happy couple." I greet cheerfully.

Cagalli immediately jumps to the side, getting as much space between herself and her boyfriend as she can with a single movement. Pretty impressive, if I may say so. Athrun only grins.

"Good morning." he answers calmly, resuming his task of pouring syrup.

"Ah, good morning, Lacus." Cagalli waves at me with a somehow shy smile "The children had their breakfast already and went to the beach with Father Malchio. I was just baking some more pancakes for us…"

"Can you believe she actually cooked something edible?" Athrun interrupts her while winking an eye at me. I cover my mouth to muffle a chuckle.

"What do you mean, Zala?" as expected, she's fuming in no time. She really has a short temper. And her boyfriend/bodyguard really likes to provoke her.

"Nothing." he gives her his most innocent smile "But children are known for their sincerity and since they happily ate your breakfast with no complaints; that means it's edible."

"Whatever." Cagalli just glares at him, not sure if he's praising her or making fun of her "Anyway, Lacus, as I was going to say when I was rudely interrupted, would you mind to go fetch Kira while I finish here? That way, we can all have breakfast together."

"Sure, I'll get him." I nod gleefully. She couldn't have given me a task more suited to my likings.

"Just tell him it's edible before he tries to run off, ok?" Athrun winks at me again and, seeing as his girlfriend ignores him this time, he adds: "And tell him to hurry up if he wants to see his cute little sister wearing an apron."

"That's it, Athrun Zala!" Cagalli exclaims grabbing a kitchen knife. If it wasn't Athrun the offender, I'd be really scared, for I've never seen her face this red. Or anybody else's, for that matter. "Now you're gonna get it!"

I leave them to run all around the kitchen and I can still hear their laughter as I walk away from the house. They are so cute together. So carefree. Athrun was never like that when he was my fiancé. He was always so formal and extremely serious too. I guess that's because he never did love me, so it was all duty for him as it was for me. Not wanting to contradict our parents and such. I'm really glad Cagalli is bringing out the best of him, the person he is deep down inside. I which I could have the same effect on a certain brother of hers. And sometimes I envy them.

I wonder where Kira might be this morning. I've already checked out two of his favorite spots around the house with no luck. And since he was not in any of those, I'll guess I'll go look for him at the beach.

I walk for another while before I finally get sight of him. I should have guessed this place was just as probable too. He really likes to sit on this big rock and spend hours just staring at the sea. Once I asked him why did he liked this particular place so much, and he answered me he truly enjoyed the slow motion of the waves and the purity of the crashing sound away from human-like noises. I remember my distress that day, for I could clearly see what he, always his kind self, didn't want to say. He comes to this place whenever he wants to be alone. Why today, I wish I knew. Like any other day he's staring into the faraway horizon. However, he's not sitting on the rock as usual. He's standing next to it, his arms falling limply by his sides, his dark hair billowing on the morning breeze.

"Kira!" I call as I get near him; once I dismiss my sudden fear of disturbing his seek for loneliness. It was Cagalli that sent me after all, right? So that's that.

He turns around seemingly startled by my voice, and on his face I can read he was not expecting me to come. Moreover, he doesn't seem very happy that I had found him. He just stares at me, maybe looking for something to say, I don't know. But this brief moment gives me time to study his face a bit further, to stop my gaze on his dull eyes, the dark rings around them and his overall withered expression. And for this instant, I just wish I'm reading the signs wrong. Even if I'm sure I'm not.

He didn't sleep last night. That explains the tiredness all over his features. Even his bed made can be explained this way. And the fact that there were no screams. No nightmares. He just never went to bed. So much for my incipient hope. But really, this is nothing compared to my next realization. I've only seen that expression once and even then I knew what it meant before he had a chance to explain himself. Likewise, I can tell now.

He's leaving.

_Blindly I imagined I could _

_Keep you under glass _

_Now I understand to hold you _

_I must open up my hands and watch you rise _

I guess I always knew this moment was going to come but I refused to accept it. Maybe it would hurt less if I had. Or maybe not. I just don't know. It takes me some time to react to the pain, as I feel my eyes begin to sting. However, I know it will take a life time for it to go away. That is, if it _ever_ goes away. I also know that, once taken, it won't be easy to make Kira go back on his decision. And I have no right to try and convince him to do so. That's the most painful of all. I never had that right.

"Where are you going?" I ask when I manage to find my voice. In my ears, it doesn't sound like my voice at all.

He seems puzzled as he regards me for what seems an eternity, probably trying to determine by my face just how much I know and how far my question goes. He doesn't know it but every second that passes a piece of my world crumbles.

"I don't know…" he hesitates and then looks away "I just know I can't stay… here."

"But I…"

… _love you!_ That's my heart, trying to speak out its true feelings, desperately holding onto the last bit of hope. I really have to keep it down and quiet, since nothing good could come from such a late confession. The last things Kira needs right now is me making a scene. For him, I must be strong. Besides, there's no way to ease this pain. It won't go away no matter what I do or say. So I might as well say goodbye with some dignity. Or try at least.

"… didn't know." I add in a rush, hoping he doesn't notice just how lame that whole phrase sounded. I straighten myself to continue: "I mean, you didn't tell me about it. I thought you trusted me…

Damn. That was my heart again. I don't need this! Making him feel guilty is not going to keep him here either. And I can't really hold my ground when he looks at me with those big, beautiful, pleading eyes. He can't stay, I know. I was just fooling myself all this time, that maybe I'd get to spend the rest of my life with him, that maybe I could make him love me.

How could I've been so blind all this time? And have I truly been blind or more like in denial? This place is smothering him; our worries do nothing but relive the past. We are the past, so our love is not good enough to make him heal. Maybe… maybe I'm not good enough for him. I know I shouldn't think that way, but I can't help to ponder on the possibilities that he might want to stay if his feeling were just a bit closer to mine. Instead, his heart is craving for the type of relief I obviously cannot give him. I wish I could though. I wish I knew how. I've been trying so hard… maybe just a little too hard…

But now I see we are nothing but a reminder of everything he had to go through during the war. Cagalli, Athrun and I. Even reverend Malchio, the children and this very island must bring sorrowful memories back to his mind. It's not easy to admit this but I think that, as much as we all love him, we have been holding him down. He doesn't really need us to be fussing around him all the time. What he needs is to be free. Free to be what he wants, not what we expect him to be.

"I trust you… It's just that… You do understand me, don't you?" now his eyes seem to desperately beg for my approval as well as his words "I can't, I don't want to depend on others anymore. I need to find myself, the person I truly am. I don't know how to say this… I wish I could…"

_Spread you wings and prepare to fly _

_For you have become a butterfly_

_Fly abandonedly into the sun _

_If you should return to me _

_We truly were meant to be, so spread your wings and fly _

_Butterfly _

"Fly." I smile ruefully, completing his sentence and not wanting to at the same time "With your own wings for all support. That's what you want."

He cracks a very small, very ephemeral smile.

"I knew you'd understand." he looks away into the sea again, in an attempt to hide his now wet eyes or perhaps to avoid mine, also watering despite all my efforts to keep my cool. He seems relieved, but I can tell there's something else he doesn't want or doesn't dare to say "You've always understood me better than anyone. Funny I never actually realized until now..."

He trails off, idly lost in the void contemplation of the waves as they come to die on the shore. I, too, remain silent, unsure of what to do, not really knowing if there's anything I could or should say. Nothing seems to make sense anymore. Not even his awkward acknowledgement of my understanding nature. Of course I'm glad to know he thinks of me that way, but that's just a tiny feeling, not strong enough to help me overcome the numbness within me. I'm afraid. I've never been so scared in my entire life except, maybe, the day Kira left for his final showdown with Rau Le Creuset. He survived then, he came back… I just can't lose him now!

I sigh, hoping for this knot in my throat to go away. If I manage to do just this, I might have more chances to prevent my tears from finally overflowing in his presence. I have to be strong, I must definitely be strong. But this is so hard… this silence is killing me! However, no one of us speaks yet. Kira keeps staring out into the ocean with his dull eyes. He's at arms length, so close and yet I've never felt him this far before. I'm so pathetic… I cannot possibly lose what I never had.

He never came back to me… simply because he was not _with_ me in the first place. We were both in the same place, but we were not _together_. Ain't that obvious? Only I could fool myself like that. There was nothing there to begin with, nothing but my dream of a happily ever after. And dreams can only last till morning, when they fade into oblivion.

"Well…" he breathes out bending to pick up a duffle bag I hadn't even notice from the sand "I guess I better go now…"

His words startle me since I was not expecting them, lost in my own dark thoughts and in my childish attempt to engrave his profile into the deepest vaults of my mind, so that nothing can touch his image. His soft hair, his lean body, his handsome boyish face mystified by his somehow hopeless expression…_Oh, no. Please, don't leave me! I need you!_

But of course he has to leave. I should have known he can't become the man he's meant to be if he stays in this forgotten island, surrounded by overprotective people who want the best for him but have no idea of what that could be. I know now, and I wonder if Athrun and Cagalli would understand as well. Hopefully, they will. Or they already do.

_I have learned that beauty _

_Has to flourish in the light _

_Wild horses run unbridled _

_Or their spirit dies _

Sometimes I've tried to imagine what kind of man Kira would become if the war had never taken place. The idea of him being very different to the one I dream of has really scared me whenever it has crossed my mind. But then again, how different could he be? And how different will he get once he leaves our sight… my sight? Now that's even more frightening… but in my heart, I trust him and my own feelings. I can be wrong about many things, but never about the way my feeling flow to him. He's the one. And no matter what he might turn into, I don't think I'll ever stop loving him.

Either way, he's going to be himself, not some legendary hero who saved the world. Of course he's that too, but not in the way of fiction, where the leads are unbreakable and nothing can really hurt them. Kira is vulnerable, yet not weak. Whoever says he is, doesn't know him at all. Nevertheless, we could all be increasing his weaknesses, not even knowing it. We can't protect him from the world. We can't hide him from life. He has to live and I think he's forgotten how to. He needs to learn again, or he'll never be what he's supposed to be. Freedom is the only way for him to reach his true self. And he doesn't have to ask for permission to do so. He owes it to himself, hopefully he'd realized. I can't help but understand that, no matter how much it hurts me just the mere thought of being without him. Anything else would be very selfish of me.

Still, I can't cease to wonder, will he ever remember me when the caterpillar finally becomes a butterfly? Cagalli is his sister, so she doesn't have to fear on that issue for their bond is truly unbreakable. Athrun also, can hope for their friendship to bring him back someday. But what do I have? Nothing. Sad but true, absolutely nothing. That's why I don't really fear him turning into something away from my ideal, but more like him finding his own ideal away from me. Can I still hope for his return?

"When are you coming back?" I ask so sudden that my own question takes me by surprise, my tears finally too many to be held back.

"I don't know." his voice is plain, but his expression changes to a pained one as soon as his eyes settle on my face, and once again I get this weird feeling that he's hiding something from me "I'm lost… and I don't know if I'll ever find myself again."

"I'll be here."

Pathetic again, Lacus Clyne. I know. But I need to hold onto something. Might as well be the remote solace of his return. I have to believe he's going to come back to me. I _need_ to, if I am to stand strong and tall for as long as he decides to roam around this universe. All my love for him can't be in vain! There's got to be some hope for me. I'm in frantic need for this last bit of faith.

Actually, I just want to melt into a big puddle of tears and leave him to accumulate yet another dose of guilt that might force him to stay. But that's not me. It was never me, and even less now that I've been through so much. I'm stronger than that. I am the one who loves him the most, so I have to be worthy of that feeling. That's my only pride. Maybe I'm not what he needs, but no one can say I'm not the best I can. If I didn't give him more was because he didn't allow it. Yet whenever I had the chance, I gave him my all. And that's not going to change now.

_You have given me the courage _

_To be all that I can _

_And I truly feel your heart will _

_Lead you back to me when you're _

_Ready to land _

I'll be waiting for him. I don't know if he understands this, but there's nothing else for me. I can't go back to the Lacus Clyne I once was. This is what I am now. And he's in part responsible.

"You shouldn't." he looks away again, his sad voice stabbing my heart with every single word "Your life is back at PLANTs. You're famous there, and wealthy. Maybe not now, 'cause you know it could be dangerous in the current state of things, but you should try and recover your previous life. You belong there. And after all you've been through, you deserve it."

Oh, God! Does he have any idea of what he's doing? He's killing me, slowly bleeding me away with his proverbial kindness. So that's what life's got in store for me? A huge, but empty house, plagued with memories of dead people? And even more empty world of sparkly glamour and ruthless marketing? An entire existence of crying on my dad's grave and mourning the pale memories of my unrequited love? Is that what I deserve? Fame and wealth, he says? _Well, hello Mr. Yamato, are you so dense you can't see what's under your own nose? I gladly gave all that up because of you! And even more I'd do… if only you'd let me…_

"Yeah, maybe I should go back." I bitterly let out trying to dry my tears with a single, spiteful slap.

His eyes return to my face and he raises his hand in what seems an attempt to wipe the new tears that keep flowing down my cheeks. I instinctively hold in my breath in expectation, only to let it all out in a long sigh when his arm falls limply back to his side without reaching me.

"I'm sorry, Lacus…" his voice falters at the same time his own tears shed. I don't even think about the full implications of his apology. My mind refuses to ponder on it right now. I just beg frantically for a hundred tears of my own on exchange for each one of his. Anything, if I can prevent them from wetting his distraught face. God, I must love him much more than what I thought.

"Please, take care of yourself." I ask in a desperate show of my last bit of strength, my previous irritation quickly diluted in his tears. Yeah, right, as if I could be mad at Kira for too long…

"I'll be fine." he gives me another smile, tiny and tearstained "But… can I ask you something?"

"Anything." I don't hesitate, even though I feel like reaching the verge of my endurance.

"Try to explain everything to Cagalli. I'm pretty sure she's not going to understand, but…"

"I'll try, I promise." I nod slowly. He sure asks for nothing.

"Thank you, Lacus." there's that look on his eyes again. Like something is yet to be said. He dries his tears and makes yet another attempt to wipe away mine, unsuccessfully. I don't know why, but he doesn't dare to touch me. And I don't know either if I should be grateful or even more hurt.

"Goodbye." he whispers and turns around in a rather abrupt fashion. Then he walks away in a rush with no more words.

_I can't pretend these tears _

_Aren't overflowing steadily _

_I can't prevent this hurt from _

_Almost overtaking me _

_But I will stand and say goodbye _

_For you'll never be mine _

_Until you know the way it feels to fly _

My gaze follows his retreating form until a dune completely covers it. He doesn't look back. Not even once. And I don't even have the energy to answer to his final goodbye. I thought I'd be able to bid him farewell properly, but I guess I'm not that strong after all. It hurts. It hurts so bad…

For a long time, or maybe short but I can't really tell, I just stand there staring dumbly at the exact spot where I last saw Kira's back. That is, until my knees give away and I fall in the sand, sobbing uncontrollably. He's gone, and it's like all my strength has abandoned me. It's night in my heart right now, cold winter night, in spite of the bright sun. I don't want to see the light anymore. I just cover my eyes and cry my misery.

After another while of incessant crying (again, I have no idea of how long) I hear a faraway voice calling my name and asking if I'm alright. Funny thing is, I discover Cagalli is right in front of me when I raise my eyes. So why does her voice sound so distant? Am I that alienated? How pathetic…

"Lacus? Are you alright?" she keeps asking and I intuit more than actually notice Athrun's presence standing behind her "What happened? Where's Kira?"

"He's gone." I answer, once again with a voice I can't recognize as my own.

Her face shows bewilderment as she stares at me, obviously not wanting to believe what I had just said. But she knows. She knows I wouldn't be this miserable if my words held a different meaning. I can see Athrun lower his head in resignation. He knows too, even to a deeper level. He was expecting this, just like I was. At least, in my subconscious, I know I was. My conscious mind always refused the mere idea of having to live without him someday.

Nevertheless, and oddly enough, Cagalli makes no further questions. She just holds me as if I was a lost and helpless child. Which is quite how I feel right now. So I hide my face in her shoulder and cry harder, my heart telling me over and over again that the one I was willing to give my life to and for is gone. Is it right to cry him like if he was dead? Well, I wish I could help it. And this morbid way of facing things as well. Does the fact that he's only out of my reach make any difference? Actually, nothing has changed. Kira Yamato was never within my reach. Still, I need to shed these tears, if only for the sad demise of my hopes.

Did I say this was a lovely morning?

My, how could I be so wrong...?

…_spread your wings and fly _

_Butterfly. _


End file.
